Self-proclaimed nerd and overall phony. California grown.
Written on March 26th, 2012:
Life has been rough lately. And I’m all outta vices.
I don’t have any idea what I’m even doing anymore.
…but don’t mind me.
I miss you even more than I miss feeling numb.
First and foremost, happy birthday, Bryan! I hope you had as much fun last night as I did. Second, congratulations and thank you to ICEMONSTERS and all of the other performers for putting on such a fun show last night. You guys absolutely killed it.
Last night was the most fun I’ve had in a really long time. It was good seeing everyone, a lot of the old homies, and being – alright, pretending to be – in my adolescence again. At one point, cops showed up, and someone said, “It’s like we’re in high school again,” haha. I’ve missed house parties. I haven’t been to one in… months? years? It’s been a long time.
I wish I had taken more/better pictures. I gotta step up my photography game.
This is ours not to tell… Wallow in a trail of absence, oh, how I long for you.
1) I have too much on my mind to ever be able to sleep at night.
2) I’m obsessed with omnipresent potential. I crush way too much and way too hard for it to be anything but bad news.
3) I’ve been feeling extremely nostalgic lately, maybe even more so than usual, so I’m trying to reconnect with people. I’m trying to reach out more. I just don’t think I’m trying hard enough.
4) I complain about the same things over and over again, and I talk about fixing them all the time, but then I fall short of actually trying. I don’t want to do that anymore. I’ve been stagnant for way too long. I thought things were getting better, but they’re pretty much exactly the same.
5) I’m trying to be a better person, but I don’t think I’m ever going to stop believing that I’m constantly falling short of that goal.
6) I’m living with a lot of hate and anger and sadness and bitterness and pettiness and anxiety, and I don’t know how to fix this.
7) I miss having a home.
8) If I’m being completely honest, all I really want tonight is to be able to fall asleep in your bed with you. If that makes me desperate, then so be it. I’m not going to apologize for wanting to see you. I’m done apologizing for how I feel. People get upset with me for being as detached as I am, but when I try to show sincerity or any sort of genuine affection towards anybody, it gets written off as ridiculous or a joke. How is that fair?
9) I have to stop letting things that don’t matter occupy my mind. With that being said, maybe I should reconsider the importance of certain things given how much time I spend thinking about them. I can’t hide from how I feel.
10) At the end of the day, I’m still just trying to figure things out. I’m always trying to figure things out.
how do you call yourself a skrillex fan but you never sat in the dark listening to from first to last?
I’ve been giving into too many vices lately. This isn’t new. I’ve never had much self-control, at least when it comes to certain things. Blah, blah, blah. Honestly, I have so much left to say, but very little desire to actually say any of it out loud.
But hat tip to the universe and to my sentimental nature for constantly keeping me in check.
Last night was so fun.
My need to be heard far outweighs my desire for privacy at the moment, so here I am again. Let’s see how long this lasts.